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Parenting: Messy & Unscripted
June 02, 2024
Parenting Simplified: Let’s Raise Happy Kids
Parenting is one of the most significant and challenging roles that we will ever experience in our lifetime.
It’s about nurturing and supporting the physical, emotional, intellectual, and social development of a child from infancy to adulthood.
As many of you, all we want to do is equip our kids with the necessary skills to become kind, responsible, ethical, and well-adjusted humans.
While there's no guide book on parenting, we believe that having an understanding of child development and being able to adapt to different communication styles are big keys in this parenting journey.
Each of our children are wonderful and unique, and as a parent, it's essential to recognize, respect, and encourage these differences.
Parenting styles, discipline strategies, and daily routines all have significant effects on a child’s upbringing. And most the time, it ends up being trial and error or once we get into the groove of something, they’re switching it up on us. But with research, word of mouth from peers, reflecting on methods and outcomes, it confirms that we’re searching to provide the best care and guidance for our children’s development.
From someone who experienced childhood trauma and has been in 8 years of consistent therapy, my ideal parenting approach aligns with providing a more nurturing environment where our kids receive consistent guidance and support, and where open and effective communication is had. And most of, just loving the hell out of them because at the end of the day, our kids will remember how we made them feel- safe and loved.
Understanding Child Development
Child development is a complex journey that is easier to understand when tracked through specific milestones. Although, we find it important to state as a disclaimer, that we know not all kids progress the same and there is nothing wrong with that. The milestones we are discussing below are not here for us to compare our sweet babies, but rather to use as a resource or baseline. In here, we will share a bit on what we’ve gathered and learned since having our girls. We’ll touch on ways physical growth can be observed, the intricate stages of cognitive development, and the crucial emotional and social skills that children develop over time.
Physical Growth Milestones
Birth to 1 year: They say that babies usually triple their birth weight and grow about 10 inches by their first birthday. They learn to control their head, sit, crawl, stand, and some even walk!
1 to 3 years: Here our babies are now toddlers- they’re becoming more mobile, mastering walking, running, and jumping. Their fine motor skills also improve, allowing them to hold objects and scribble.
4 to 6 years: During these years, children get stronger and more coordinated. From what we’ve experienced, we've learned that most children can hop, skip, and start to ride bicycles.
Cognitive Development Stages
0 to 2 years: we understand that babies and toddlers explore the world through their senses and learn through trial and error.
2 to 7 years: In these years, children are starting to engage in symbolic play and learn to use language to express themselves.
7 to 11 years: It seems that children at this stage begin to understand the concept of conservation and can apply logical thought to concrete objects.
Infants: They begin to develop trust and form attachments to their parents, which is foundational for later emotional development.
Toddlers: They are learning to assert their independence, say 'no', and start to play with peers.
School-aged children: we've noticed they form more complex friendships, understand feelings better, and begin to develop a sense of empathy.
Effective Communication with Children
Effective Communication with your children is more than being heard, but understood - a lot of what we do and how we do is so our kids understand the why rather than just being told.
We’ve come to learn that it’s that gentle balance between listening and trying to convey your lessons in ways that fit their age and development. We can’t tell you the countless times our almost three year old and us have gone back and forth. Hindsight, it’s comical but while we are in it… Lord, help me!
Trust us, when we first started to shift our verbiage, there were many times we sat there laughing at ourselves after thinking “what in the hell are we doing?” lol. Some of these examples on what and how to say something seemed so silly and unrealistic, but the more often we did it, the less awkward it got. Promise!
Active Listening Techniques
Incorporating active listening with your child is all about making them feel heard and understood. It's more than just hearing their words—it's about really getting what they're saying and showing you care.
Think of it like this: You get down to their level and say, "That sounds really interesting! Can you tell me more?" Or, when they’re sharing something, you can respond with, "Wow, so you felt really excited or sad when that happened, right?" It’s a great way to show them that you're genuinely listening and engaged in their world.
So next time your child starts talking, lean in and show them you’re all ears.
Age-Appropriate Conversation
Having age-appropriate conversations with your kids means tailoring your words to their level of understanding. For our toddler, we keep it simple with short, clear instructions like, "Please put your toys in the box." Or “when you put your toys in the box, we can go outside with all of our friends.” We feel like this teaches our little one to make good decisions without being forced to.
When it comes to school-age children, you can start explaining the reasons behind your requests: "We tidy up so we can find our things easily next time." That whole “because I said so” response the generations before us used? Bogus. We find it important to explain to our kids why we’re telling them no or to do something- get their brains working when it comes to cause and effect!
If you have teens, maybe try engaging in more in-depth discussions, respecting their growth and ability to understand complex ideas. For example you could try something like, "Keeping your room organized can help reduce stress and make it easier to focus on your homework." We’ve found this approach helps them grasp the bigger picture and encourages responsibility.
So, whether they're toddlers, kids, or teens, talking to them at their level makes all the difference!
Parenting Styles
In our journey through parenting, we've learned that the way we choose to raise our children has profound effects on their development. Here are three influential parenting styles: authoritative, permissive, and authoritarian. Maybe you like one best, maybe you hate one - for us, its finding little nuggets from all three to fit the needs or each of our kids and family.
We've found authoritative parenting to be a balanced approach. It involves high expectations coupled with high responsiveness to a child's needs.
We set clear standards and expectations for behavior, but we are also open to dialogue and providing my child with the reasons behind rules.
From the research that we have done kids raised by authoritative parents typically exhibit good social skills, self-discipline, and a high self-esteem.
Permissive Parenting
On the other hand, permissive parenting typically involves high responsiveness but low demands.
We can allow our children considerable freedom, minimizing the use of discipline, and often view myself more as a friend than a parent.
From the Research we have done - kids raised by this method typically struggle with self-regulation and authority.
Lastly, authoritarian parenting is the opposite of permissive. We would set very strict rules and expect obedience without question.
There's little room for dialogue or flexibility. This approach can sometimes lead to children feeling less independent, and they may demonstrate lower self-esteem.
Discipline and Behavior Management
In our approach to parenting, discipline is not just about punishment; it's about teaching children how to behave properly, manage their emotions, and respect others.
Setting Boundaries
We firmly believe in the importance of clear boundaries for healthy child development.
Boundaries help children understand what behavior is expected and acceptable.
We start by clearly explaining the rules to my child, ensuring they are age-appropriate and understandable.
According to Pediatrics, setting limits and having clear expectations are fundamental to discipline.
Positive Reinforcement
We use positive reinforcement to encourage good behavior.
This can include verbal praise when we notice our child sharing toys, helping around the house or like ours having to help put her baby sister to bed at night.
Recognizing and rewarding good behavior often leads to its increase, which is a principle backed by numerous parenting experts and validated by sources like Positive Psychology.
Consequences and “Time-Outs”
When discussing consequences, we make sure that they are directly connected to the behavior and are spoken about calmly.
For not-so-great behavior, time-outs have such a negative connotation to them so when we feel like they need some time to themselves to regulate their emotions, we tell our kids to take some space- giving them a chance to regroup and reflect.
The Child Mind Institute provides insights into effective behavior management strategies, including how and when to use time-outs or giving them space appropriately.
Health and Nutrition
Every child’s needs are different, but certain fundamentals remain the same.
Balanced Diet for Kids
A balanced diet is foundational for a child's growth and development.
We make sure to include a variety of foods in our kids' meals to cover all the necessary nutrients. Here's a typical day that we strive (key word) to have:
Breakfast: Whole grain cereal with almond milk and some fruit OR a homemade egg sandwich with fruit or yogurt.
Lunch: Chicken sandwich on sourdough bread, carrot sticks, and an apple.
Snack: These vary between yogurt, Trader Joes’ white cheddar puffs, cookie dough protein bars.
Dinner: Grilled chicken breast, quinoa, and a mix of steamed or roasted veggies.
It's important to get children used to the idea of portion control and the importance of including fruits and vegetables in their diet. And with portion control, we believe in allowing those not-so-great foods. We believe that by withholding those foods now, may increase the odds of them overeating it as they get older.
For us, its not about forcing, but teaching good, heathy foods. We don’t love certain foods, so it would be hard to force our kids to eat things they truly don’t like, but that doesn’t mean we are not going to try, try and try some more on different foods.When/if it comes down to it, we hide it in their food to make sure they are getting what they need. Blending spinach into your homemade pizza - huge win!
Importance of Physical Activity
Physical activity is just as crucial as diet.
We try to spend 30 to 60 minutes a day outside as a family as often as we can on top of getting the kids out during the day.
Activities can range from sports, home dance parties, to simple playtime outdoors such as making your kids be Spider-Man bouncing them from wall-to-wall. Here's how we incorporate movement into our routine:
Morning: A brisk walk to school or a quick game of tag before the bell rings.
Afternoon: Sports practice, like soccer or swimming, or a dance class.
Evening: Family walks after dinner or a fun session of hide-and-seek.
Staying active not only helps with maintaining a healthy weight but also promotes a healthy heart. Another reason as to why we all try to get out as much as we can is to promote better sleep and mood.
Education and Learning
As a parent, we play a pivotal role in our kids education - it's about providing a foundation for school success and fostering a love for learning and exploring.
Supporting School Success
We always encourage our children to see learning as an opportunity, not a chore.
Attending parent-teacher meetings: This keeps us informed of their progress and challenges.
Helping with homework: we create a distraction-free environment and are available for help when they need it.
Setting a routine: Consistency with bedtime and study schedules helps them stay focused. Think decision good decision making - when you finish your homework, we can go outside and play with your friends.
We’ve learned giving them choices and letting them decide the outcome is super impactful. For example. if you decide to not listen, then you’re deciding it’s time for us to go inside.
Promoting Lifelong Learning
Learning doesn’t end in the classroom.
Safety and First Aid
Ensuring the wellbeing of our children is a fundamental part of parenting. In this section, we'll explore essential home safety measures and foundational first aid knowledge parents should be equipped with.
Home Safety Tips
Prevention is key when it comes to home safety.
Secure heavy furniture: we always anchor furniture like bookshelves and TVs to the wall to prevent tipping.
Store hazardous materials properly: All cleaning supplies and medications are kept high up or in locked cabinets, far from little hands.
Install safety gates: To prevent falls, we have safety gates at the top and bottom of our stairs.
Use window guards: we've installed window guards to protect my kids from potential falls.
Padding on sharp corners: anywhere we can we have soft padding to help with the blows. Especially when they are first learning to walk!
Basic First Aid Knowledge
Being prepared can make all the difference in a medical incident.
CPR and Choking: We've attended a CPR class that included how to help a choking child. This training is invaluable in an emergency.
For minor cuts and scrapes, we clean the area with water, apply an antibacterial ointment, and cover with a bandage. However, for spider bites or animal and human bites, we know to call the pediatrician or Poison Help as these might need further medical attention, as mentioned on HealthyChildren.org.
Burns: If a minor burn occurs, we'll cool the area under tap water, prevent infection by cleaning it, and cover it with a clean bandage. we've learned detailed burn care, like when to call 911, from a first aid class.
Allergic Reactions: we keep antihistamines at hand for unexpected allergic reactions and am aware of how to use an EpiPen.
Work-Life Balance
The key is to manage my time effectively and utilize strategies to reduce stress.
Time Management for Parents
For us, effective time management is the cornerstone of balancing work and parenting.
We start by prioritizing tasks and create a schedule that includes work, family, and personal time.
We focus on one task at a time, which helps me be more productive and less stressed. Recommendations on creating a schedule and setting priorities can be a game-changer in my daily routine.
Daily Planner:
Getting ready for the day: 6 AM - 8 AM
Work tasks: 8 AM - 5 PM
Family time: 5:00 PM - 7:00 PM
Bed time: 7:00 PM - 8:00 PM
Personal activities: After 8 PM
Stress Reduction Strategies
We make sure to have some quiet time every day, a tip endorsed by many including specialists at Fidelity. This can be just 5 minutes to decompress. It’s so easy to go, go, go, but remembering that we all need to take a step back, relax and breathe can help you mentally reset.
Practicing mindfulness and exercise regularly can also help reduce stress!
Weekly Stress-Reduction Activities:
Meditation: 15 minutes daily
Yoga or exercise: 30 minutes (3 times a week)
Family activity: Once a week (no electronics)
Frequently Asked Questions
How can I adapt different parenting styles to suit my family's needs?
Every family is unique, and adapting parenting styles isn't one-size-fits-all.
We recommend identifying the goals and values that are important to your family and being flexible, using elements from the various styles to guide behavior in ways that are most congruent with your family's needs.
What are some essential skills every parent should develop?
Crucial skills include effective communication, patience, empathy, and problem-solving.
Nurturing these skills can strengthen the parent-child bond and foster a supportive home environment.
Where can I find reliable parenting resources or PDF guides online?
The internet is awash with parenting blogs and forums, but for curated advice and downloadable guides, we suggest places like ParentCircle for diverse questions and MayoClinic’s parenting resources for scientifically-backed information.
Can you provide some practical tips for positive parenting?
Yes, we believe in setting clear boundaries with love and consideration, maintaining consistency, recognizing good behavior, and being an active listener.
Learn about positive parenting to promote your child’s emotional well-being.
What are the key elements that contribute to effective parenting?
Trust, understanding, consistent discipline, and unconditional love form the bedrock of effective parenting. Above all, being a positive role model for your children is perhaps the most powerful tool in your arsenal.
What should I do when I feel overwhelmed by the challenges of parenting?
It's important to recognize this as a normal feeling. Taking time for self-care, seeking support from other parents, or consulting parenting experts can provide relief.
Remember, it’s okay to ask for help, and tools are out there for gui